


too much

by wholesome_gay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Humor, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, Living Together, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Post-Hogwarts, Psychotropic Drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21685174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wholesome_gay/pseuds/wholesome_gay
Summary: Sirius and Remus try psychedelics.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	too much

“I don’t feel anything yet,” Sirius says, bouncing his leg.

“Me either,” Remus agrees. It’s possible that Sirius has been swindled. Remus places two cups of tea on the coffee table and sits down in the saggy armchair, since Sirius has managed to sprawl over the entire sofa. 

Sirius reaches for the tea and Remus slides the mug into his hand. Sirius taps his fingers against the porcelain, then sits up suddenly. “Let’s have another.”

“It’s only been half an hour,” Remus says, wary of Sirus’s eagerness. 

“You’re no fun,” Sirius scoffs. He yanks open the drawer in the coffee table where they keep their drug paraphernalia (up until now, only marijuana), then opens a mostly empty envelope and extracts a tiny paper square. 

Remus doesn’t appreciate when Sirius makes comments like that. Unfortunately, they usually have the intended effect of making him give in to whatever Sirius is proposing. Remus would rather not give him that satisfaction today.

Sirius places the square under his tongue. He leans over toward Remus and runs his fingers lightly along his jaw, then says into his ear, “Come on, Moony.” 

Remus jerks his head away and hopes that Sirius doesn’t notice the way he just shivered. “I won’t be so easily persuaded.” He’s worried that Sirius will get _too_ high. Remus needs to be the responsible one, for Sirius’s sake. Well, as responsible as one can be on a tab of acid.

“Merlin, no. It’s never been easy to persuade you of anything.” Sirius sighs and leans back into the couch, looking very put-out.

“Well, sorry for being such an inconvenience.” Remus props his feet up on the coffee table and takes a sip of tea. 

“A _massive_ inconvenience,” Sirius adds, but he’s smiling. He pushes the envelope toward Remus. “Come on, I don’t want to be the only one seeing dragons or whatever.” 

Remus isn’t sure anyone will be seeing dragons, but he hasn’t done this before, so it’s possible. “Well then, you shouldn’t have had another.” He already knows that he will give in.

* * *

Somehow the pattern on the rug they bought from a thrift shop has become fascinating. How has Remus never noticed that it depicts dancing mushrooms?

Sirius, lying on the kitchen floor for some reason, bursts out laughing, possibly at nothing (although that’s not so unusual - or at least, it didn’t used to be; these days, neither of them have had a whole lot to laugh about). 

“What?” Remus calls from his spot on the sofa. 

“Prongs,” Sirius says, and laughs again. “That twat.”

“What about him?” Remus gets up and makes his way over to the kitchen. He wants to be sure that Sirius isn’t hallucinating James, although that would be kind of entertaining. Remus stands over Sirius.

“You’re so tall,” Sirius says with awe. 

“Is that so,” Remus says, grinning. He hasn’t been taller than Sirius since fourth year. Merlin, that was a long time ago. 

Remus sits cross-legged next to Sirius on the cold tile. Sirius’s eyes seem to be shifting between blue and lavender. 

“I _can’t_ believe James is going to be a father,” Sirius says, reaching up to card his fingers through Remus’s hair. “I mean, for fuck’s sake. Wasn’t it just a year ago that he jinxed all of the Christmas cakes to belch ‘God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs?’”

“Two years ago, Padfoot.” Remus shakes his head and smiles. Sirius has never had a very strong concept of the passing of time. 

“Merlin, we’re old!” Sirius cries.

“Speak for yourself. _I’m_ only nineteen.” 

“Not for long.” Sirius pulls Remus into a kiss, but they break apart when he starts laughing. 

“What is it now?”

Sirius is curled up, shaking soundlessly. “Imagine-” he gasps, “imagine James changing a nappy.” 

“Oh, lord. I wonder if we’ll end up babysitting.” Remus gazes up at the ceiling lamp, which is flickering every ten seconds or so. They’ve closed all the curtains because the daylight, despite being wintery and weak, is just too bright.

“Are you kidding me? Lily would never allow that. The only person less fit to be a parent than Prongs is me!” 

“What about your mother?” Remus suggests, running his hand along the rough grooves between the floor tiles.

This sends Sirius into another fit of giggles. When he’s through, he sits up and wipes tears from his eyes. “She never should have been allowed to have children. But then, the world would be deprived of my magnificent presence, so -”

“ _What_ a tragedy that would be.” Remus can see that Sirius is about to physically retaliate, so he jumps up and runs toward their bedroom. Sirius follows pretty quickly and slaps him hard on the arse. Remus yelps indignantly and tackles Sirius onto the bed. Sirius wraps his arms around Remus’s waist. He kisses Sirius’s neck. 

It isn’t long before their clothes are discarded.

* * *

Sirius is laughing and laughing, about what exactly, Remus can’t remember… something about Dumbledore’s spectacles. Remus is mesmerized by a spider climbing up their bedroom wall. It’s huge, and moving very slowly. Remus turns over on the bed to face Sirius, intending to tell him about the spider as soon as he is done laughing, but he isn’t laughing anymore. With all the joy wiped clean away, his face looks almost unfamiliar. 

“Sirius? Sirius?” Remus wondered if he actually said it twice, or if his mind just created an echo.

“I shouldn’t have left him,” Sirius whispers. He looks vulnerable, lying there naked but for a blanket, goosebumps on his arms. 

“Who?”

“Regulus.” The way his mouth moves to form the word makes it clear how long it’s been since Sirius has spoken that name. Remus had been hoping that Sirius would eventually talk to him about Regulus, but this isn’t the best time, when all the thoughts in his head are doing somersaults. He needs to say the exact right thing but he has no idea what it is. “It’s not your fault, Sirius,” he tries.

Remus can tell that Sirius is clenching his jaw.

“You weren’t there,” Sirius says flatly.

“I know.” Remus wasn’t there in any sense of the word, since they hadn’t been on speaking terms at the time. If Remus had known what was going on, he wouldn’t have let the lapse in their friendship drag on. He’d already forgiven Sirius, but wanted to teach him a lesson, and now he wonders if that was cruel. “But you had to get out, and you asked him to come. He said no.”

“I should have made him come with me.”

Remus puts his hand on Sirius’s shoulder, and Sirius shrugs him off. It looks like Sirius is crying, and somehow Remus knows it isn’t a trick of the light or a hallucination.

“Oh, Sirius.” Remus tries to pull Sirius into his arms, but Sirius resists.

“You don’t know. You have no idea what it’s like.”

This is not going well. Remus searches for the right words to calm him down.

Sirius gets out of bed, dragging the blanket with him, and disappears through the doorway.

“Tell me what it’s like” - that’s what Remus should have said. He hurriedly gets up and follows after Sirius, stumbling over a pair of jeans on the floor. “Sirius!”

The bathroom door slams shut. Remus tries the knob, but it’s already locked. “Sirius, let me in.” Panic is rising inside of him like bile. The thing that scares him most about Sirius is his self-destructive tendencies. 

Remus suddenly remembers that he’s a wizard. He runs to the bedroom to retrieve his wand. 

“Fuck, fuck, where is it?” It’s not on the bed or on his nightstand or in the pile of clothes next to the wardrobe. “Accio wand,” he tries, but unfortunately, it doesn’t come zooming into his hand. But he thinks he saw something move underneath the bed. He dives to the ground and sticks his hand beneath, feeling around. Socks (probably dirty), clusters of dust, unidentifiable lumps, but no wand... 

Remus hears a muffled laugh and bumps his head on the bed frame in surprise. He sits up and sees Sirius in the doorway, blanket around his shoulders like a cloak. 

“What were you doing down there?” Sirius asks, as if he had not just locked himself in the bathroom, crying.

“Looking for my wand,” Remus replies, tenderly touching his minor head injury. “Are you… alright?”

“Never better,” Sirius says, without looking Remus in the eye. His cheeks are splotched pink and his eyes still look watery, but apparently, they are not going to talk about this. 

* * *

  
  


Sirius’s sharp mood swings continue throughout the day, but without any major incidents - well, aside from setting the Daily Prophet on fire during a game of Exploding Snap, but that was probably Remus’s fault, as his hands felt strange, possibly like they weren’t attached to his arms. Vocally, he blamed Sirius, since such incidents are usually his doing. 

Now, Remus is studying his reflection in the mirror. Normally, he isn’t keen on mirrors, but at the moment he’s able to look at his face as though it belongs to someone else. The scar that runs down his left cheek is particularly vivid. It screams that he is dangerous, volatile. The shadows under his eyes speak of of sleepless nights. There are beads of sweat on his brow, although it can’t be warm in here because the heater broke two days ago. All of his hair has gone gray, and he considers pulling each follicle out, one by one. No, that can’t be right - it was brown just yesterday. Wasn’t it?

Sirius appears in the mirror beside him, looking from his face in the glass to Remus’s. “Let’s have a bath,” he declares.

“Alright.” Remus sits on the edge of the tube and turns on the tap. 

Sirius points his wand at the tub and mutters something. The entire bathroom instantly fills with bright pink bubbles. Remus blinks, blinded by the soapy invasion. When he opens his mouth to tell Sirius off, bubbles rush in.

“Oops.”

* * *

  
  


Sirius flops down onto the bed, smiling lopsidedly at Remus. There are still some pink suds in his hair. “I love you,” he says.

Remus’s stomach clenches. He makes a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat and turns over so that he is facing away from Sirius.

“What? You don’t believe me?” Sirius manages to sound both hurt and annoyed. 

“Sirius, you’re high as a kite,” Remus says, as if he isn’t also high as a kite.

“So?” Sirius challenges. He sits up and leans over so that his hair tickles Remus’s cheek. “That doesn’t mean I don’t _mean_ it. I’ll say it again in the morning.”

Remus continues not looking at Sirius. He stares at the shifting iridescent patterns on the wall.

Sirius grips his shoulder. “Moony, I’ve been in love with you since sixth year, at least.” He sounds sincere, but it’s not enough to convince Remus.

“Oh, piss off.” Remus shakes Sirius’s hand off his shoulder. Remus wants this night to be over. Two tabs is too many. 

Sirius huffs and drops his full weight back onto the bed. “You can be a real arse sometimes, you know that?”

Remus rubs his eyes with his palms, but the swirling colors don’t go away. “Likewise.”

* * *

The next day, as expected, Sirius does not repeat his declaration of love. In fact, neither of them say much to each other. Their flat is heavy with the hollow atmosphere that typically follows a fight. If there was a fight - and Remus is not sure that there was - he won, but it doesn’t feel like much of a victory. 

Sirius has been worryingly quiet. Remus suggests that Sirius go see James, thinking that would get him out of his head, but Sirius takes it badly.

“Trying to get rid of me?” he snaps.

“No,” Remus says simply, not willing to argue.

Sirius sinks further into his sullen mood.

When they fight, Remus is never quite sure whose fault it was. At first, he is always certain that Sirius has said or done something out of line, but the longer he thinks about it, the more he second-guesses himself.

When they get into bed that night, Sirius throws his arm around Remus and says into his ear, “I love you.”

Remus exhales shakily and says nothing.

“You still don’t believe me?” This time, Sirius doesn’t sound so surprised.

“I believe that you believe it,” Remus offers. He shouldn’t have expected Sirius to drop it so easily.

Sirius shifts, then tugs at his partner’s shoulder, making Remus roll over to face him. Remus hopes he doesn’t look half as vulnerable as he feels.

“Is it…” Sirius starts, then sighs and looks away for a moment. When his gaze returns to Remus’s face, he continues. “Is it that you think I’m not capable of that, or that you don’t deserve it?”

It’s a good question. He swallows, wishing away the lump in his throat. “The latter,” he says, honestly.

Sirius puts his hand on Remus’s cheek. His fingers are cold. “Well. Well then, I’ll just have to stick around until you do believe me.”

“Oh, and then you’ll leave?” Remus jokes, as if his life won’t fall apart the instant Sirius disappears from it. That’s the problem, isn’t it. Remus never meant to depend on him so much.

Sirius winds his fingers through Remus’s hair, watching the movement instead of looking Remus in the eye. “I’m not going to fucking leave you.”

Remus pulls Sirius flush against him and kisses his jaw. It does not matter what Sirius says. It does not matter that Remus loves him in a way he has never loved anyone. Remus is able to hold in his mind the truths that Sirius refuses. They are too young. There is a war that they may not survive. Remus will always be who he is, and more importantly, _what_ he is. No one - especially not Sirius - will choose to spend their whole life with him. No one could want that.

When Sirius is finally asleep, Remus whispers, “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> follow me! moonynpadfootforever.tumblr.com


End file.
